This is more for me

So I am up from another full day in london been up at 6am every morning. Yesterday was a strange day. I write this post more for me so I am sorry you will have to read stream of consciousness and we all know my head is a little loopy but I thought I would share.

Yesterday we went to Westminister an Anglican Church. We went to holy communion at 8am and the lady at the door let us in we went to merely see the church for free but as we leave only a few minutes later another gentlemen at the door catches us asking if we could not find it? We reply we did not want to interrupt but he said it was no problem and that he would escort us there. So he did. We enter a small chapel on the side of west minister. There was 2 priests and 9 members of the congregation there. It was exactly how I imagine or would want a mass to be. ( I use mass lightly seeing that it is Anglican Mass which while very traditional is slightly different from catholic but the differences are very small. Thanks pop for teaching me well) But as I sat with nothing but my thoughts and the mass. I begin to feel something I have not felt in a long time. Some call it God, others a belonging, and I have no idea what to call it but I will do my best to describe it. It was a great weight I felt on me that I knew was always there but did not realize how heavy it actually was. Now I can do nothing but feel this great heaviness and the only thing I seem to want to do is return to a church kneel and sit. Sit and pray.

Weird to see myself write those words. I have not "needed" prayer or religion I became a humanist but I am not sure the human in me is ready to put all of his trust in human kind. Maybe it is due to the state of the world; riots, financial unrest, starvation in west africa. Or my own personal demons of looking in the mirror and be surprised every time and disappointed by the man in the mirror, or of a loss love, or a loss friend or losing my identity. Seeing jersey boys reminded me of how much theater in my life is a big void but not sure U of O is the theater I want to be a part of. Ideas like taking that fifth year to study Italian and become fluent or at least better than I am now and taking piano lessons again so that one day I could play and sing "Cry For Me".

I seem to be out of words. I need to get this down while it was in my head. But there may be some surprises coming soon from me. Or not who knows but if you are reading this just know I am okay. I promise. Just needed to get some unrest out and vented. Feeling better already though missing home. Yesterday I did find the perfect present. Always the best feeling.

Sincerely,
Chris